Coming To A Theatre Near You

Summer is rolling ever closer, sun worshipers among you will be setting up the deckchairs in that favourite spot of yours already. But don’t get too comfortable. The film industry is preparing to shuffle out some aces in an attempt to lull, bluff, dupe and dazzle you out of your reclined place in the sun. After this little show and tell, you may just decide to put up your deckchair in the cinema and oh, don’t forget the popcorn.

Batman Begins
ETA 24th June

Batman is most definitely back! It marks the revival of a franchise that looked positively dead after the last two high camp, high crap hiccups from Joel Schumacher. Gone is the drag queen, shoved and beaten away by the irresistible shadow, the Dark Knight. Helmsman Chris Nolan (Memento) and the new man in the cape, Christian Bale prepare to take you to very roots of Bruce Wayne’s unfolding destiny as the legend of Batman’s emotional and physical manifestation is truly revealed. At a glance Bale looks assured, brooding and intense in his superhero skin, oh, then there’s the supporting cast, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman and this summers main man Liam Neeson. The trailers are quite simply stunning and the paraphernalia is incredibly visually appetising, if you still aren’t fighting away the saliva, wait until you see the car! I only hope that Batman Begins delivers what it promises, If so, it will surely be the gem of the summer, well, at least without the tacky sparkle.

Bewitched
ETA 19th August

Adaptations are very much the Hollywood thing at the moment and Bewitched is an apple not falling far from this particular tree. To many the 1960’s/70’s television show is an untouchable and beloved classic, not apparently if you’re a Hollywood producer. There is however a twist in this mindless stealing of long finished concepts. An intriguing play with the (yawn, seen it all before plot) sees the leading characters as actors starring in a fictional version of the show. Ah, and here’s the clever bit, Nicole Kidman who plays Samantha Stevens is actually a witch, unbeknown to the rest of the cast. Will ‘very funny’ Ferrell joins big hitter Kidman playing her fictional husband Darrin, whilst Michael Caine will add further magic to the glittering potion. My feelings are that this film will be fun and very watchable, the cast can do very little wrong and the concept (although not original) is a tried and tested favourite. Broomstick anyone?

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory
ETA 29th July

This latest adaptation of Roald Dahl’s legendary book Charlie And The Chocolate Factory sees the fourth collaboration of one films greatest double acts - Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. What an arena to do it in as well! Dahl’s vision will provide the perfect forum for Burton to exercise the wacky cogs in his mind, allowing him to create a world that will wow the youngest and oldest members of any audience. In Willy Wonka, Depp has a character in which he can express his many talents, enabling him to push (as he so often does) the boundaries of crazed genius. Johnny is most definitely the man of the moment. The film will indeed have a lot to live up to, many see the 1971 adap as a timeless classic and Gene Wilder an unforgettable Wonka. Rest assured though that this story is in safe hands, with two genuine visionaries providing the back bone for what will surely be this summers tastiest treat.

Fantastic Four
ETA 22nd July

The superhero band is still well and truly rocking, the next group of picture perfect wizards to hit the golden screen are the legendary Fantastic Four. These four super humans are setting up their own band and like most four piece outfits each is blessed with a unique talent, this ranges from invisibility to super stretchy limbs (my tip for the drummer). The plot as always - a little exposure to radiation and Ka-Pow unthinkable talents become very much a reality, oh and a bad guy to destroy somewhere along the way. Fantastic Four will certainly have people humming along to its appealing tune, it’s a fact that superhero movies will always attract an audience even if it’s just the comic book thorough breds. However, with the recent success of Spiderman 2 and the X-Men franchise Fantastic Four certainly has much to live up to, fingers and toes will be crossed hoping that this latest superhero addition is no super - zero.

The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy
ETA 6th May

Finally Douglas Adams’ classic story has been adapted for the big screen, Adams even had a hand in the screenplay but sadly he passed away before its completion. Thankfully the noises being made by director Garth Jennings suggest the film will stay true to the books: “If ever we’ve been stuck for an idea, we just go back to the books.” The film will be a very English affair from director to leading man (Martin Freeman), with Bill Nighy and Steven Fry also coming along for the ride. For those of you who haven’t read the books, the story chronicles the adventures of Arthur Dent (Freeman) in space after his rescue from a destroyed earth. If done well this film could be the dark horse of the year, the book has a cult following and the accessibility of film will only expose the story to future - unaware fans. It is just sad that Douglas Adams is not able to witness what could prove to be his finest hour.

Kingdom Of Heaven
ETA 6th May

Kingdom Of Heaven is the latest epic offering from Ridley Scott, and when it comes to epic, Scott has certainly got the knack. The highly decorated Gladiator and masterful Black Hawk Down have propelled Scott to the affluent position of big budget, big time, big everything director. If the big factor is your thing then Kingdom Of Heaven promises to deliver it with heavenly eloquence, Liam Neeson, Jeremy Irons and, ahem, Orlando Bloom will star on a backdrop of intense battle. Bloom will rise to protect the people of Jerusalem from the crusades of the 12th Century, on his days off he falls in love and is discovered by his estranged father (Neeson). My only concern about this film is Bloom himself, in his last epic Troy he proved to be somewhat of a limited actor. However, if Scott can provoke a Crowe/Gladiator spirited performance from Mr. Orlando, then this film is sure to be a winner.

War Of The Worlds
ETA 8th July

After the niceness that was The Terminal, Mr. Spielberg is getting nasty, think E.T. gone bad - with a few war machines and some death rays. War Of The Worlds reeks of box office blitzing blockbuster it’s literally dripping in Spielberg’s ‘hit’ fragrance, umm, not enough? Well, throw into the mix Tom Cruise and ho-hum the $200-million budget and you have probably got this years biggest film bubbling away. Adapted from The HG Wells novel, prepare to see nasty aliens terrorising planet earth whilst Cruise attempts to protect his wife (Miranda Otto) and children from harm. Cast and crew are keeping very quiet about this not so little picture, one can only assume the final cut wont be so quiet.

That is what they call a ‘wrap.’ I hope I have given you some popcorn for thought, or at the very least saved you some money on that family size bottle of sun cream that, to be fair, you were never going to use.

Jake Kanter

© Substance Magazine 2005