Little Britain

Why Middle England can shove it up their arse.
Tom Perkins indulges in a rant.

You know who they are. They read the Daily Mail and watch the ITV News. They blame the nations problems on students, immigrants, binge drinking and Marilyn Manson. They live in constant fear that, in the words of Peter Kay, someone (probably black) will break into their house on Christmas day and piss on their kids. They claim to know all of the nation’s problems, yet their solutions invariably ride on electing a little bald guy with a blue rosette who has the sum personality, and common sense, of a house brick.

Now don’t get me wrong, I bear little animosity towards anyone, presumably because I’m a bleeding heart liberal. However, in recent years the division between left and right seems to have grown tangibly. As the nation becomes more concerned with the future, the more it seems to lean inexorably to the right. Blame it on misinformation, blame it on age, either way the NIMBY’s (Not In My Back Yard) of yore seem to have grown into something more powerful, no longer just concerned with their own back yards, but those of their neighbours also.

We all know that our world is in a bad way. But what we don’t need are those who seek to blame it on someone else, and believe that cutting tax, so that everyone at least appears happy, is the solution we need. The Super-NIMBY’s are growing more powerful, sitting in their suburban bungalows and writing anonymous letters to the council and local papers, complaining about noise, students, alcohol, and anything else that interferes with their half-imagined memories of a golden age where everybody was pleasant, the blacks knew their place and a ha’penny would guarantee a good night out.

After all, it is with inherently local issues that they mostly concern themselves. For as long as I have been here, Falmouth has been witness to a subtle war between the college and locals. While openly civil to each other, bearing in mind the town is kept afloat only by student loans during the winter months, the streets see continuous sniping between students and residents. Let’s not pretend that the student population are incapable of winding anyone up. Try living in a student house to see how truly irritating and thoughtless the average undergrad can be. But to blame the nation’s antisocial problems (and the problems of Falmouth are but a microcosm of those of the rest of the country) solely on students with money to burn, smacks of hypocrisy. Take a look around on a Saturday night. The students may be the ones shouting loudly in the streets and pissing against walls, but they tend not to be the ones beating seven shades of shit out of each other outside Shades. And anyone who suggests that student marijuana use is antisocial is utterly insane. It only leads to increased takings for anywhere that delivers food.

Yet by no means is Falmouth on its own. The entire nation seems doomed to suffer from perilous bores who prefer to complain to whatever media source is willing to represent them about their perceived troubles. But hey, what are you gonna do? We can write angry columns, and strike back with all manner of left-leaning radical media. But the truth of the matter is, the people we seek to convert just won’t read anything if its got ‘arse’ in the title.

Tom Perkins

© Substance Magazine 2005
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